1999  

I am sorry but the first half of 1999's Diary entry's some how got erased.

Friday Dec 31, 1999 - I am having a New Years Party tonight and I will broadcast it live from my house. Diana, Debbie and a couple other people will be here to party and bring in the new year. Debbie and I just got finished putting Pro Tan on so we will look good in our dresses tonight. You are invited to watch. We have about 7 bottles of Ballatore all ready. I decorated my house last night and debbie helped me put up the decorations. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL! HAPPY 2000! I did go do cardio today so I got that out of the way. NOW IT'S TIME TO PARTY!

Monday Dec 27th 1999 - I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! Wednesday Jeff and I went over to Diana's house and meet her two sons, daughter-in-law, ex hubby, and grand children. We exchanged presents with Diana and Debby. I got a candle holder and some floating candles that smell real nice, a stand and a little velvet jewelry holder. I loved everything! I am always wanting things like that to decorate my new home. We went to my brothers house in Phoenix Thursday morning and it took us about 4 1/2 hours with all the traffic. We went to the mall that day and I saw a puppy I wanted in the pet store window. My brothers wife is such a bitch! My god I don't care if she finds out I called her a bitch, She is. Life is to short to be around people who make life miserable for you. Amen! My brother even asked himself why he married her.. First of all no one likes to be bossed around and that is all she does is boss him around. Did the women ever hear of being polite and ask? I don't think people should stay married if they don't love one another and they definatly do not. I did have a great Christmas but I just hate people that think of only themselves. I try to think of other peoples feelings before I act "most of the time".. I don't like to see people sad or hurt. We returned home Christmas day because my brother had to work. We went over to Diana's that night and meet her sister, niece , nephew and brother in law.. We returned home a short while later and I was feeling very sick. By the time 9pm rolled around I was throwing up and was aching so bad I was crying. The flu.. Sunday I stayed in bed all day trying to get better. Today I went to the gym with Debbie and talked with her while we did fat burning on the bike. She went to her moms in California for Christmas. I decided to buy a puppie after my next competition that way I'll have plenty of time to train him and take him to obedience classes. I want a French Bulldog so bad I can hardly wait. There aren't very many around so I have been searching out breeders and asking if there would be any available around the time frame or later that I'm looking at. I am training hard for this competition. I don't think I will be competitively bodybuilding after this one. Not for a long while any way. Bodybuilding isn't a healthy thing to do at all. I have had more then my fair share of experience now. Diana has helped me see the end of that endless road. Bodybuilding ends nowhere. I would much rather live life and have a healthy life then try to kill myself dieting and getting to some 5% body fat and for what? You spend so much money on drugs trying to get there that you loose everything.. In the end you have nothing to show for it. You don't get paid and what you do get paid isn't close to what you pay out in the cost of drugs, etc. I do love to compete in that way but I don't like the consequences (especially females). To compete at the national level I would have to take massive amounts of drugs which I refuse to do because of the health risks involved. Many of you do not know how many drugs these athletes take but I do. I do think I am beautiful and I am scared I will lose that if I would go any further. I'm really not conceded. I just don't want to lose what god has gave me. I naturally have a lot of muscle and can gain muscle fast but to get to the level of body fat percentage I would need to be at I couldn't do it without taking something to help me (drugs).. I am still competiting at the Orange County Muscle Classic on April 15th 2000. I am just not going to ruin my life and what I have with the man who loves me. Do you every wonder why most body builders are divorced or single? They are difficult to get along with and that is because it's miserable trying to look that way all the time. I look good so why in the hell am I trying to look like a statue? This is a very hard and disappointing decision for me. I will compete again but I only want to look good for myself. I like looking like a women to much to change that. 1999 was a very good year to learn from. Lets just not let the same things happen again.:)

Tuesday Dec 21, 1999 - Friday night Jeff, Diana and I went out and went to a couple clubs. Diana and I had Drank three bottles of Ballatore by the time we left the house and were pretty well toasted. We first went to a strip club here in Vegas but the pool tables weren't open so we went to a restaurant and they both ate while I sat there and had a beer. We decided to go to club Ra in the Luxor and danced about 30 minutes then the lights came on and they were closing! It was all ready 4am, Diana and I weren't to happy about that. On the way home Jeff was ticked off and let me know his feeling on things. Boy, lets not spoil a great night! I lost my Drivers License some time after we went to club Ra. I don't remember a lot because I drank way to much to recall what I did with it. Saturday I got up around 10am, took my bath, ate, then called Diana so we could go Christmas shopping. We went to a few stores and I finished up my Xmas shopping, all most. Debbie went to visit her mom in California and brought me back a angel fountain for my front entry on Sunday. It's fantastic! I love to hear the running water at night. It's so calming. Dina had a show/session on Sunday night so Debbie and I went over to help her out and make sure there were no problems. We bought some more Ballatore on the way but I was in no mood to drink anything. I was still feeling the effects from Friday and I needed more recovery time. Monday I got up ate, then called Debbie so I could pick her up on the way to the gym to do Cardio. We stopped in Koo Koo Roo after and split some turkey breast and a yam. We dropped her dogs off then stopped in at a store so she could help me pick something out for Diana for Xmas. I found the perfect thing. Today the Landscaping guy came buy to see what we wanted in our back yard and will have a price quote in a couple weeks on the pool and landscaping we are wanting. Then all of you can watch me swim naked in my pool this summer.. The camera fits in a perfect spot outside for that..:) I will have to go get a new drivers license next week. 

Friday Dec 17, 1999 - I've been working out with Debbie every day now twice a day. Keeps me motivated having a workout partner. Wednesday night during my show a package arrived and it had what it was on the box. My mom sent me a portable massage table for Christmas! I love it! It has a leather cushioned top with a hole in it to lay your head. That night I went over to Diana's to help her with her session and make sure things were running smoothly. Debbie and I got shit faced and I drank way to much. Thursday night Debbie offered to give me a massage during my show and she took off the little cloths I did have on and gave me a massage on the new table my mom sent me. I took my cat into the vet today because he has been pissing on my sofa and bed! Oh, I wanted to kill the cat but I thought it better if I made sure he wasn't sick or something first. I have a shampooer and have been trying like hell to get any faint odor of piss out of my sofa and bed... errrr! My wisdom teeth are hurting like hell! I feel like sticking pins in the back of my mouth because they are still comming in and I am not going to get them pulled. My gums are HURTING! Diana helped me workout tonight.

Monday Dec 13, 1999 - I got up this morning, stepped on the scale and I have lost 3 pounds. That is good since I haven't even been on the diet for a full week yet. Thank god I'm back! (Mentally):).. I've been working out with a girl I meet through my trainer and she is a great work out partner. I need to start lifting heavier because I haven't felt sore at all and I want my muscles to grow. Saturday night Jeff and I went over to help Diana set up her room she does her live chat sessions in. We went and saw the movie, "Deuce Bigalo the male jigglo" Saturday night and it was funny as hell. Two thumbs up! Debbie prepared my meals for the entire week and they are all in separate containers and Labeled with what it is and is measured out so I don't have to do that. My god the women is a saint. Makes my life much easier now that I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat. I need to work on updating the site and start taking pictures so that everyone can see the way my body changes from now till competition time. I did more Christmas shopping today and wrapped gifts. I have one more gift to get, then I am done. I just have so much to do lately since Christmas is coming.

Friday Dec 10, 1999- Wow, Thanks Indyrod! I just found out that the Las Vegas Weekly did that article on Web Cams and I'm featured in it. I knew that the guy was going to put an article together but I didn't know when or if It was going to be published. It's a very interesting article on Web Cams and was done real well. You can view it online at Las Vegas Weekly . Besides that I worked out this morning and did my hour of cardio. I will be going back later today to do my arms.. 

Thursday Dec 09, 1999 -  It's official boys and girls. I made my hotel reservations prepaid in full for my April 15th Competition. I started my diet today and I have two wonderful ladies and one very supportive husband helping me out. So be prepared for me to get shredded! I have someone who is making 4 of my 7 meals daily so I'll have a variety to eat. I don't cook all that good so I am in dire need of that. I will be going to the gym 2-3 times a day. I was watching some competition tapes the other night and that got me really motivated. Well I can't drink anymore and I can't eat all that good junk food either! Like my trainer says, "Don't think of it as a diet. Think of it as a new and healthy way of living".. I'm doing an hour of cardio in the morning then I get my weight routine done in the afternoon. I called my brother and talked to him today and he was going to the National Guard Army to join up. You go boy! My mom e-mailed me and asked if I had received her packages in the mail. I did this week. I go over to Diana's house when she has her sessions to make sure the video runs smoothly and there are no problems. She sure does put on a great performance. She is going to help me put a routine together also. I told her it would be cool to do it on cam so everyone can see as she helps me. 

Monday Dec 06, 1999 - Saturday night I went over to Diana's, to make sure there were no problems with the video when she did her session. After that we all went out to Club Rio and danced a bit. We ended up getting home around 2:30am. I've been working out like I should and today for the first time in months I was able to run again without my shin splints hurting.  Yeaa! I am so glad they are healing and I can run. I will start training with Diana again on January 1, 2000.  My competition is on April 15 so today we took my body fat and she is making me a new diet so I can start it on Wednesday. I've gained quit a bit of muscle and I will need more protein and carbs then my old diet allows. I've gained more body fat then I would like to admit also. I went christmass shopping today and I only bought one thing so far. It's so hard to buy things for everyone. 

Friday Dec 03, 1999 -  I had a very eventful week. Wednesday our t-1 was installed in our home so that night I went over to Diana's house to help her out on the computer for her first live show on the internet. I ended up staying at her house to 3am. Me, Diana and one of her girlfriends got so shit faced on rum drinks that my husband had to come and get me. I can't believe what we ended up doing. All three of us had on lingerie by the end of the celebration and couldn't stop laughing at some of the stuff we were talking about. When my husband came and got me he was kinda in shock at the three of us. When I got up the next day I felt like I was still drunk and I think I've had a hangover ever since. Yesterday I couldn't get out of bed and the only reason I got up was because I had a show to do. We went to the Improve at Harrah's and had a really good time last night. We got home and Diana had called so we went over to her house to see what was wrong with her computer and I picked up more pictures so I could scan and put up on her website for her. 

Monday November 29, 1999 - This weekend we hung out here at home and worked on Diana's website a bit. I still have quit a bit to do but the members area is set up and all I have to start doing now is trading links and get her online store page up. I lost about ten pounds in the past couple weeks and I'm relieved about that.  Jeff and I went and saw the movie, "Flawless" last night. It was a good movie but not as good as, "End of Daze" which we went and saw on Wednesday of last week. I had the touch of the flu the past week and I am finally just now getting over it. I think it's Jeff's turn. He seems to be getting the symptoms now. I am getting embarrassed by my mom. She is watching my web cam to see how I'm doing all the time.. Thank god I turn that thing off during my shows! I told her she was being a pervert watching her daughter on cam.. lol... She told me that is the only page she goes to but i'm sure she reads this. She said, "Well you don't call me enough so that is the only way I know you are doing ok". She thought I had been beat up last week and called my whole family to make sure I was ok. I think the camera just took a bad picture of me. 

Friday November 26, 1999 - I don't think I express myself very good sometimes so I'll just rewrite this entry. I went to my brothers for Thanksgiving and I wish I would have started visiting him more often in the past. I miss my family very much and haven't been very "together" this past year. I am very thankful for what I have and I hope everyone takes a look around and cherishes who and what they have in life. I almost lost what I've worked so hard to achieve and almost lost the most important man in my life because of some stupid self imposed issues that are not even worth thinking about. 

Monday November 22, 1999 - I've been working on getting up Diana's website for the last week and have been busy with that. I have a lot of work still to do and am trying to get it done by tomorrow so we can get it up. I worked out with my girlfriend all week last week and had fun while she was here. She is leaving today so I will miss her. I was looking at the phone book today trying to find a doctor and they have more plastic surgeons and dermatologist then any other doctor. It's like they don't care if you don't feel good as long as you look good. Wednesday night we are going down to phoenix to visit my brother for thanksgiving.  

Wednesday November 17, 1999 - I thought I'd better get over here and update this diary before you guys thought I was in hibernation.. This weekend wasn't very exciting. I went over to Diana's on Saturday and talked with her about what she wanted to do on her website. I have the main page made now but I want to do something different and more upscale. We went to Comdex on Monday and was only there for a little while before my feet were hurting and I was hungry. Comdex is very interesting. Lots of cool stuff to check out. I personally like to check out digital cameras and what's new in the design market (software).. I went and worked out with my girlfriend Wanda at the gym on Tuesday. She is back in town this week and will be here till Wednesday of next week . I worked with her when I use to dance. She has lost so much weight! My god I feel like a giant standing next to her. She is only 4'8" and is now slender. I could pick her up and throw her like a football. I feel like squeezing her cheeks every time I see her. She is a cute little thing. I talked to my mom the other day and she isn't doing much either. Today my brother called, Jeff and I will be driving down to Phoenix next Wednesday for Thanksgiving.. I decided we would do that since we only live four hours away and haven't visited yet. They have a baby and it's much harder for him to take off from work and come up here. I can't wait to see him again. I've been doing real well on my diet except for Monday. Jeff ordered out for a pizza and I could not resist the temptation to have a piece or two. As long as I don't slip up to often I should be looking better each week.. Jeff woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, that is all I have to say today..

Friday November 12, 1999 -  I'm starting my competition diet tomorrow and this time I'm going to "Get with the Program".. I think I've said that a few times since my last competition, now since I don't have a lot of stress going on I can deal with it and handle dieting better. If anyone starts to talk about food in my chat room when I'm on a diet I will have to kick you out. I'm very serious. I get hungry as it is when dieting. Don't make me have to man handle you guys. I've decided it is about time to get control and lose this excess muscle growth tissue "fat" that I have put on.:) Don't worry I'll try to keep as much muscle as I possibly can. I know some of you guys love to think I can whip your ass so I'll make sure you think I can. Dieting is a bitch but someone has to do it. I will probably be competing at around 145 pounds.. Right now I'm at 166 pounds.

Wednesday November 10, 1999 - I went to the gym today and worked out on legs. I had a really really good work out to. Last night we went and saw the movie, "The bone collector" what an EXCELLENT MOVIE! That movie is so good. You have to go see it. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside at the end.:) I rested most of the day yesterday. I was supposed to go in and do legs but I felt weak all day. I dropped off my car to have the windows fixed and get the 7500 mile maintaince deal on it. Today two of the damn windows aren't working again.. I'm going to go strangle those people! It isn't like I'm spending any money "it's under warranty" but it's the fact THAT I HAVE TO DRIVE 45 MINUTES TO THE SOUTH END OF TOWN! AHH! They need to fix the stuff right the first time. I've been craving "twizzlers" lately. I love strawberry twizzlers.. mmmmmmm! 

Saturday November 6th, 1999 - It looks as though Jeff and I are coming down with the stomach flu or something of that nature. I laid around the house until 11am then got to the gym by 1pm, Jeff stayed home sick.  I did lunges but I didn't feel well so I went over to the apartment to make sure everything was ok and went through the e-mail. I ate a pancake at 6am this morning but I haven't been hungry at all. I don't feel like I could keep anything down. Yuk. We went out to a club last night but neither of us was feeling good so we returned home by midnight.

Friday November 5th, 1999 - I got up at 6:30am made myself some corn flakes with bananas, took a bath. I was trying to get Jeff up, he got up sometime. He went over to the apartment to make sure everything was running ok and there were no major problems in email while I cleaned up the house. When he returned home we went out to Red Rock and took some pictures. The batteries ended up dieing after taking about 10-15 pictures. On the way home we stoped by the grocery store and picked up a couple things. I went over to the apartment and went through email then on the way back home i stoped in summerlin and picked up our car plate thingy. I checked our P.O. Box and received the Womens Vitamine weight loss supplements Alex mailed me from Irland (I believe it was).. Thanks Alex. I went to the gym and worked my back, at 5:20pm I had an appointment with Viola to get Waxed. I then went back over to the apartment and made sure everything was updated and e-mail was taken care of. I tried to post the pictures we took out at red rock but the computer I use adobe photoshop on is giving me all kinds of errors so I will have to run the defragmenting program tonight. They should be posted no later then tomorrow night.

Thursday November 4, 1999 - Yesterday I spent my day cleaning up the house and went over to the apartment for awhile, updated my Favorite links page and so forth. I went through all my email and answered the urgent ones. I will have to do the non urgent later today after I go through the ones that are waiting on me. I need to get working on my Y2K logo sometime soon. Jeff and I went to the gym around 8pm last night and I tried to run on the treadmill but after 12 minutes I couldn't run anymore. I can't believe after all these months I still have shin splints. I guess I'll have to stick with the stepper.

Tuesday November 2, 1999 - Saturday after we left the house we went to the gym and then went and saw the movie, "House on Haunted Hill" that was a pretty good movie and scary. We were going to go to the fetish and fantasy Halloween ball but decided not to and instead went out to dinner. I didn't feel like going to one of those this year. I thought the one last year was boring anyway. Sunday I hung up pictures and unpacked some more of our house hold items. I called my mom and talked to her.  I got all my trophies unpacked and put them behind my bench in my weight room. Some of them are broken because we have/had moved so much from being in the army and all. I passed out candy to the trick or treaters then Jeff and I went to one of my favorite restaurants in town, "Blueberry Hill".  We ended up going to bed around 8pm and I ended up waking up around 10:30pm and didn't go back to bed till 2am. Monday I got up and then went to the gym did 30 minutes of cardio then came home cleaned up then went back to the gym and did my chest workout. I was way to tired to do a whole hour of cardio this time. I spent my day cleaning up the downstairs and getting things in the right places. Amy and Tom was at the other apartment doing a show so I decided to workout while they did their thing. I surfed the net a bit and found a couple alternative clubs here in Vegas that I will be going to. I fit in more, in an alternative lifestyle place then I do the other places. I am attracted to girls and get a long with them better. I don't like being hit on by men, they irritate me.  Besides I have a man and a very good man at that. I wish I didn't have all these messed up emotions and mood swings. I go from being nice to the bitch from hell. I feel like my whole brain is chopped up and trying to find itself. I'm trying to pull through this year and maybe next year I won't be having all these feelings, if I can just make it without going psycho. haha.. I feel like I'm on this big emotional roller coaster.  If I could take a step forward out of myself then turn around and grab me and slap myself a few times, I would.. Today I went to the gym at 9am and did My leg work out. I went home picked up clothes, took out the trash then went to lunch at 1:30pm with Julie. We ate at Macaroni grill and talked for an hour. We made plans to have lunch again on Thursday. We also talked about her and her husband coming over this weekend to play some board games and I would get some beer and we could do that. It's better then staying home by our self and being bored.  I also talked to her about the alternative clubs and she thought that would be a cool idea. We both could go out there when we went out. We wouldn't have to worry about guys bothering us. 

Saturday October 30,1999 - I've haven't been doing a whole lot the past couple days. I wasn't feeling good yesterday and the day before. I thought I might have been coming down with the flu but I don't think so now. I've been working out hard and it was probably just me needing some rest. I have been taking Prohgh and it is a lot better then the Maxitrope I was taking. A least I can tell that Prohgh is working. I'm going to pass out candy tonight and I have 2 tickets to the fetish and fantasy halloween ball but I don't know if we are going to go or not. If we do I am not going to dress up. I have some great ideas for a Y2K logo I'm going to be working on. I need to take some new pictures so I can use them on the new logo. 

Thursday October 28, 1999 -  I went down to the DMV at 7am this morning and got my drivers license address changed and got a new one. I am actually staying on my diet now and have lost 2 pounds since Tuesday. Gina gave me some great advice and it's working. I've been feeling a lot lighter the past couple days and I think my metabolism has finally kicked back into gear. Jeff and I have been going for walks at night in our neighborhood and I actually think that is helping, on top of the 1 hour of Aerobic work and 1 hour of weight training during the day. I woke up last night hungry but I made myself go back to sleep and when I got up I felt great, I'm back on my high protein diet. I am finally getting back with it. It also helps that I feel like my body is burning fuel like it should. I've been worried about my weight and I now can say I will have the extra weight off in less then 60 days. I'll be able to loose 10lbs in the next 30. I'm starting to feel a bit more normal. The last few months have been hell for me, in every way you can possibly imagine. I can't blame anyone but myself. We do dig our own holes. I got fed up and didn't communicate and that is what I should have been doing. I can't even explain or say the exact reason. Everything built up and I got tired of it. If you people are married out there, make sure you talk to each other. In the end the reasons I left weren't even the issues any longer. It was what I did in the end that made it all fucked up.. I'm not sure if you understand that or not. I probably have you confused now. That's ok, you can be confused with the rest of us. My workouts have been great this week and I feel like I'm getting harder. The trenching guys were at our house this morning, dug and laid the line that is supposed to hook up our t-1 to the new home. 

Tuesday October 26, 1999 - I got up early this morning and went down to the DMV to get my address changed on my drivers license. The line was way long and I had to fill out more information about my car on their sheet of paper so I left and will go back tomorrow after I get it all filled out. I went to the gym and did legs today. Leg day always wears me out. I checked my P.O. Box then went home. I called Julie and told her I'd call her on Sunday so we can make plans to go to lunch next week. I made out some bills then went by our apartment so I could eat with Jeff and get some things updated that I've been needing to do. I got a Pumpkin last night and carved it for Halloween. I also got 4 bags of candy bars for the trick or treaters.. 

Saturday October 23, 1999 - We have been unpacking all week and getting things situated at the new house we just bought. We went for a walk last night and our neighborhood is so nice. I'm going to get some Halloween decorations this weekend and decorate a little bit. I still have a lot of stuff I need to unpack and put up in the right places. It will probably take me a couple months just to get all the small stuff put up in the right places. I am wanting to buy a bunch of stuff for the new home but we do need to save money so I'm trying my hardest not to go shopping. Temptation Isn't my strong point this year, so lets hope I can make it through the year without going on a shopping spree. I think God is testing me and chose me to pick on this past year. I'm not doing real well on any of those test (self control/temptation). Maybe it's just I've been strong my whole marriage. I just didn't notice anything until I actually did something real bad. I've heard the 7th year of marriage is the tough point. It's very true and the strong one this time around is my husband. He's actually been the strong one for a long time. I meet him when I was 17 and we got married two weeks after my 18th birthday. Seven months after we got married I started working as a dancer because we weren't making enough money. He has always keep me straight and I have never fallen into the drugs or escapades that a lot of dancers fall into. I had been offered to (sniff/smoke/snort) whatever you can imagine. What helped me out also is when I looked at those girls all I could think was how dumb and stupid they acted and were. They also looked older then their age. I didn't want to be them. I'm glad I married a man to help me out through life and lead me the right way. I know a lot of girls who married guys who don't care what their wife did in the way of drugs and stuff like that. The worst I do is drink once in awhile. I've learned not to get drunk at work though.. Boy, it sure is embarrassing to be drunk on stage and fall a bazillion times. It's not sexy either. I know my limits now and stop before I get to the swaying point. I was thinking earlier this year, what I've missed out on in life because I got married so young. I now realize that I haven't missed out on anything but men treating me bad, I have actually done more being married to the man I'm with then I would have if I was single. I don't have a man who keeps me locked away. I have a man that lets me do as I wish and is more understanding then any other person that I've ever known. He just makes sure I keep in check and don't fall into something that I'll regret later.  I almost fucked all that up this year and I'm glad he loved me enough to hold on. 

Wednesday October 20, 1999 -  Today was a very busy day. I got up at 6:15am, got ready to go to the gym, stopped by the apartment on the way and checked the web server then went and did one hour of cardio/aerobics. I dropped Jeff off at the house and went to my 9am appointment with Viola to get waxed. I returned home and the ceiling fan installers were there installing our 3 ceiling fans we bought. Jeff left and came to check on the computers while I waited on the bug man to come. I feel asleep in bed and heard the doorbell ring at 11am. It was the bug guy and it took him about ten minutes to get the whole outer house and inner house done. He is coming out once a month to spray so we can prevent any kind of pest.. Jeff called and picked up some chicken on the way home. I took a shower, then went to the gym and did bis and tris. On the way out I seen "Gina", she is a girl I meet on the net. I got her number and told her to call me if she has time. I would love it if she would start working out with me. I get real bored and don't have someone to spot me all the time. It would make it easier for my workouts.. I returned home just in time for the delivery guys to bring in my dinette, end table and dresser for my bed.  Christ, seems like I can't do anything right and I say all the wrong things and I really need to fucking get my shit straight. I want to toss my hands in the air and give up.. It's pretty sad that this is the only place I get to talk and that gets me in big trouble with everyone.. I'm on my period so,  DON'T FUCK WITH ME THIS WEEK. ha, I know you men cringe at the thought of a girl on her period so I wanted to tell you.. hahahha. I know that was to much information, roflmao! We went to the Beach club and danced a few dances but got bored so came back home to do e-mail and then I crashed.

Tuesday October 19, 1999 - I got up at 7:30am took a shower, called the bug man to come out to our home and spray once a month then went to the gym and did an hour of cardio. On the way home I stopped by J&J health store and bought a protein drink. I got home and started to unpack again while I waited on the sprint guy to come and put in the second phone line. He got there around 10am and got that installed. I finished cleaning up the kitchen then called Jeff and told him I was on my way back to the gym so I could do my leg work out. I also got a picture of my weight room I have set up for my shows. Here it is-> Venus's Weight Room, RA! I'm putting my computer down there and desk also so I can do all my shows in it.

Monday October 18, 1999 - I need to stop writing in here when I'm mad or upset. All I do when I do that is cause more problems then it's worth. Besides who in the heck wants to hear me blow negative steam like that. We moved all of our stuff in the house today except the computers. They will have to stay in the apartment until we get the cable modem installed on Wednesday. I got my workout room/show room set up and it looks awesome! I will take a picture of it and post it tomorrow sometime. I can't wait for you all to see it!!! There is so much more room and I just want to sit in my house and look at it now. Jeff and I went out and got two ice cream Sundays to celebrate.. Mine was so good. I went to the gym and workout at 6pm then came on home. I didn't have a spot so I went up to 185lbs and stopped there. I benched today and had a pretty good work out. I unpacked most of the evening, I then was tired of moving/unpacking so I went to bed. I fucked Jeff so good and broke in the new house. 

Sunday October 17, 1999 - I am excited that we are moving out of this small apartment tomorrow!! I am so happy! yehawww! We took most of our clothes over to our home last night and today. We have been going to furniture stores trying to find a dinning room table we both like but we can't agree on anything. Tomorrow I'm going out by myself to buy one. Seemed like we argued most of the day but tonight we are back to normal, if that's what you call it.. We took the kids (cats) over to the house tonight and am getting them use to it so it won't be hard on them when the movers are in and out tomorrow. At least they will be a little use to being there. We have so much stuff to move it seems like we will never get done. My girlfriend (Isees, aka Wanda) is here for a bit and called me today. I told her to give me a call tomorrow and we will go do something. I am so glad she is here. She was my best friend at the strip club I worked at when I lived in Wichita. We use to workout together at the YMCA and her husband use to help both of us. Since I moved to Las Vegas I haven't meet a whole lot of girls. I'm thinking about dancing again. After Christmas and new years when I loose a few pounds and look a bit more ripped I'm thinking about dancing once a week to meet other local girls my own age. Then when you guys and gals come to town you can stop in and get a lap dance. It won't be till after the new year so it will be awhile. I will go back to Crazy Horse Too and dance though. I like it there. I get bored here at home and dancing gets me out of the house and I make money while I'm out. So I don't loose either way. I feel like I've been out dancing all night and at the same time I make some cash.

Saturday October 16, 1999 - It's 3am here and the only reason I'm awake is because I felt my building moving back and forth. I hope I'm not going crazy because I don't see anything on the news yet. I think we just had a tremor or earthquake. If not then I need to seek therapy...HAHA, I was right there was a quake! There was an earthquake in California and we felt it here in Vegas!!! I felt the earth quake at exactly 2:50am.. Like you guys are interested in that right?.. lol.. If that tremor would have lasted any longer my building probably would have started cracking, my blinds and ceiling lamp was also moving.. That is my first experience with an earth tremor.. I need to go to my new home and make sure there are no cracks in it!

  I've been obsessing about something for the last few months and I think it's time to forget and move on. I haven't been able to stay on any form of diet and I feel that if a person don't like me through ever stage of my life (fat/thin, big tits/small tits) then they aren't really a true friend. Earlier this year I meet the guy who trained me for the bodybuilding competition I won. He is the type of guy who would fuck the next best thing to come along and his wife was naive enough to believe he is so true. He ended up lying to me about my husband when we were having problems then spreading things around to his friends that were happening with me and made it sound a lot worse then it actually was. I was stupid enough to believe him and what he said, that my husband was doing/saying at the time because I was having a few problems with my marriage and myself and didn't think he would be lying. He even said I was coming on to him which I would never do either. His friends in the end even helped him spread some of those lies. I call this group type, "the boys club".. Some of  the people that are associated with this guy had run the competition I entered and I had did some web design for and was going to do free hosting for also. In the end because he lied they ended up not paying me for the web design and they also wouldn't answered their phone when I tried to contact them about hosting or anything in the end. That shows how immature these people are I suppose. Just a quick note to you all. Make sure you know the truth before you turn on someone.. I'm telling this to the world because I need closure. At the time I also invested 2500.00 dollars in him so he could make a profit and I could make up some extra cash. He wasn't honest enough to give me the money back either. I did learn a lot about how honest most people (guys)- not all -in that industry (bodybuilding) are (especially about females).. I know who I am and where I want to go in life and I don't want to be associated with people like that. Maybe that is what I needed in life to slap me in the face and wake me up and show me how much better a life I have and where I can go then people that are like that. I would rather treat a person good and fair then to be associated with a group of people that were nothing but ...? You get the point.. I don't know if I can find a good enough word to explain what kind of people they are. If it were not for my new trainer Diana Dennis I might have never felt normal and had relief of what I was going through. I give a lot of thanks to her and her helpful advice she was always so kind to give me. I'm not mad about the money I'm just sad that there has to be people in the world like this. People gamble thousands of dollars away every day here so I try to take it as a gamble loss. I don't trust anyone but me, my family/hubby and only my very closest friends now. To sad that it has to be that way but there are more bandits then there are hero's.. If you don't think I explained this good enough write me an email and I will try to explain better by adding to this. Maybe now I can have closure with my self. This diary is my outlet to help me through though times and you all help me out a lot by your e-mails and that is good therapy. If you ever have a problem don't hesitate to vent it out when you shoot me an email.. Maybe someday I'll have enough maturity to help you.

Thursday October 14, 1999 - All I have to say today is, "Oh My God"!!! I own my own house and I can do anything I want to it, I can play my music as loud as I want and it's ALL MINE!!! We went to our home tonight and from our living room balcony we can see the entire Las Vegas strip the resort at summerlin and we didn't even have to pay extra for the view! What luck I'm having!! It's so beautiful,  peaceful. I can relax at night, watch the lights of Las Vegas light up and watch them sparkle. The movers will be here on Monday to get our things and move us over there. I can't wait till my weight set is set up and I can do my old land of venus workout shows for you again. The house is so big! I walked into my apartment tonight and wanted to go sleep on the floor of my new house instead. Lets get out of this cage and put me in my own kingdom! We will be back to my old shows and I will have longer one's now that I have a place I like/love to be in. Here is a couple pics we took today after we received the keys.

Wednesday October 13, 1999 - I've been busy all week calling the moving company, utility companies, etc.. Trying to get ready for the move into our new house. It's so beautiful and perfect! Can't believe I got my first house and my dream house at that. All I need now are a bunch of menservants to go along with it.. hehe. Anyone want to volunteer? I need a few of them or I might get bored and start abusing one, haha kidding! I will start doing longer shows and a couple more during the week when we are settled in. I will have my show/weight room/workout room setup and will have a lot more to do for you all. I couldn't have one in this small apartment. I'M SO EXCITED I COULD SCREAM! I lost a couple pounds this week.. Thats a relief! I'm thinking of selling the tickets I bought for the fetish and fantasy halloween ball and staying home to pass out candy and I'll do another famous land of venus halloween show. Since I'll be in a new and big place it will be a lot better for me. I'm going to decorate my new house with halloween stuff to. I have my own place that I can do anything to now, yeaaa! This comming weekend we will be busy moving so I won't be on cam much. Just wait and you will love the new place. My halloween shows are famous around here.. Just ask about the bloody rocko show.:)

Sunday October 09, 1999 - Jeff and I got up around 9am, ate then went by our home and checked our p.o. box. We went to sears and bought a refrigerator and water softener so they can install them on Friday. We got home and I cleaned up the house a bit then did my show from 5-6pm. I had a surprise show a bit earlier and they like it. I answered E-mail most of the evening then went and saw the movie, "For Love of the Game". I love romantic movies and that was a very good one. I called my mom when I got home and talked to her for a bit. She was half asleep so I got off the phone. I was doing great with my diet until about midnight then I couldn't help but eat something. Don't even ask me what I ate because it wasn't good for me (ice cream with Carmel).:) I can't lose weight if I keep that shit up. I could kick myself. Next time I promise myself that I will eat protein only, when I get hungry at night. I plan to be back to a slimmer, leaner figure by new years so don't give up on me yet. I usually get my goals accomplished so don't be to disappointed in my appearance at the moment. 

Saturday October 08, 1999 - We got up then went down to the home depot store to pick up the Garage door opener and two ceiling fans we got for our house the other day. We had left with the receipt and was thinking they were going to install it and bring them along. We forgot that we had to take them with us and when we left the guy that handled it was busy and forgot to give them to us. Thank god for receipts. We got home and were to lazy to go to the gym so we worked on e-mail and the computers for a bit then went and seen a movie. We saw, "Double Jeopardy", that was a great movie.. I love both of the main actors/esses that were in it. Two of the best (Judd/ Jones). By the time we got home I ate then had to do my show. The apartment must spray for ants every few months. It seems we get ants galore once every couple moths and when we go complain they seem to go away. They probably do it from outside. They don't come in here anyway. 'After my show we took a nap then got up and went to the gym. I sleep way to much now days. I answered email and have been talking with my mom and sister over e-mail. My mom just got WebTv and has been checking out my website. Oh boy! I've been trying to call home but the line is busy so they are constantly on it. I'm sure she is in tears after actually seeing it. She has known about it but has never actually seen it, etc. She didn't know about my boob job either. I'm glad my mom is loving and understanding. I don't have a family that would disown me, so I'm glad. Sorry if I did/do anything you don't like mom..

Friday October 07, 1999 - I sleep in late again. I got up, ate then laid down until about noon. Nothing exciting happened today.. We stayed home, I did my show from 7-8pm, I wore my pink wig for the first time and everyone loved it.. One of my members posted this on my message board and I really liked it. I am glad I have great members that have hearts like yours. I should have thought more of this, this past year when I was only thinking of myself and not my husband.  Thank you fireman. This is great, read it and learn. Love ya Fireman 

INSTALLING LOVE

 Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE? Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first? CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am? Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running? CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am? Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am? Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal? CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message? Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed? CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades. Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do? CS Rep: What does the message say? Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM WILL NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean? CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others. Customer: So what should I do? CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"? Customer: Yes, I have it. CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this. Customer: Thank you. CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART"
directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITICIZE.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back. Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART! CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go... Customer: Yes? CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you. Customer: I will. Thank you for your help. 

Thursday October 07, 1999- Jeff and I got up, ate some breakfast, I cleaned up the kitchen before we went to the Home Depo store and bought a garage door opener and two celling fans for our new house. They are going to install them on the 15th or 16th. The people will call us sometime this week to set up the exact appointment. We then went up and walked through our new home to see if everything was coming along ok. I'm so excited now! Everything is in and we meet the actual builder while we were there. I could jump up and down I'm so happy that we are finally almost there. From our living room window and kitchen/ nook you can see the whole Las Vegas Strip, the summerlin resort and everything! The builder told us that we had the lot and view he wanted and would have loved to have lived in our home. We upgraded all the flooring and it looks fantastic. We are going to buy the fridge and water softner at sears on the 14th. I want to move in now! lol.. The downstairs rec room is going to be my weight/ exercise/show room so you all can watch me workout again during my shows.We came home, made a few phone calls and I read some more of the book I'm reading. I got ready for my class around 4:30pm then went to class. During class we registered to go to comdex if we were able to go and it's going to be counted as extra credit if anyone wants to go. I registered me and Jeff to go and I'm planning to go with my professor because he is an old pro at going and knows how to get through the whole show, he has a master plan. After we get through most of the show with him Jeff and I will go back to all the booths we wanted to see and talk to. This will be my first year to attend comdex so I'm very excited about going.. I have attended AdutDex so many times it's unreal. I find AdultDex real lame and would much rather go to Comdex any day. 

Wednesday October 06, 1999 - I find myself looking into the mirror lately wanting to smash it. It's been 4 weeks that I have quit taking any kind of supplement and I am still growing. I'm pushing 170 and my body won't slow down. I am praying to god that it stops before I hate myself.  I'm trying very hard to slim down now but my muscles seem to not want to stop. I didn't think I was over doing it. Is it possible for something to work to well on someone? Thank god I don't look like a man but my muscle size is going to start scaring people before long, if it don't let up. If I lost 10 pounds of fat I'd look awesome. Jeff and I went to the gym today and I worked my biceps and triceps. I'm doing each exercise for 100 reps then move on. That should help cut me up but I'm still growing. STOP! I wish there were a anti-growing drug that I could pop in my mouth to stop from growing any more. I don't want to scare people away because of my size.  I really do look like a off season pro football player, Almost. I decided that is what I am going to be for the Halloween ball (female football player). I don't think a Valkyrie would fit me. I'm so worried that I'm going to wake up and look like the real Mr. Olympia if this keeps up. I'd be a pretty Mr. Olympia.:) My arms are at 15 now. They will be around 14- 14 1/2 when I lose the fat. 

Tuesday October 05, 1999 - Jeff and I went to the gym at 11am and I worked my legs. I have got a lot of e-mails which a lot of people have misread my diary and thought I was going to quit Bodybuilding. No, I'm just not going to compete till next year. I'm not ready right now and I will be ready in the spring/summer. I need to put my priorities first. I have a carrier that I want to further so I'm finishing my school. I have a new home I'll be moving in to in 8 days or so and I have to much going on, to do a hobby that won't take me anywhere but spend more money. I don't expect anything out of competing, all I want to do when I compete is have fun. I think having fun is what makes it all worth while. I can't believe I got mixed up with the most dishonest, lying, corrupted group of people this past summer but I have learned a lot of lessons and it has made me a much stronger person. I am no longer confused or worried of people finding out who I am or what I do. I'm much happier and I thank god that I am over it. I went to my P.O. Box and received a magazine called XNet from the UK, it's a very popular adult Net Magazine in the UK and they have a article on Voyeurism which has me and my website in it. Thank you for the nice review XNet.. I went to class at 5pm and almost fell asleep during the long lecture. We were doing a News Paper cover in Adobe Pagemaker and I had typed in XRated Net for my headline. I was just messing around and the teacher was comming to see our pages and I erased that name as fast as I possibly could. Yikes! I guess I won't be doing that again. I don't want the teacher thinking I'm a mental case.  I got home about 8:30pm or so and made my nightly protein (egg whites).. I ended up going to be early because my legs were sore and I felt tired, of course. 

Monday October 04, 1999 - We left for Miami Wednesday night and arrived their on Thursday morning. Thursday we went to our hotel, checked-in, took a 4 hour nap then went down to the Radisson Hotel to see what was going on and if we could find some of the people we knew. We had some drinks at the bar with some friends and I ended up getting a little drunk, I drank Fuzzy Navels with Vodka. When I came out of the bathroom I meet 3 people I knew from the net, that I have never meet in person before. They recognized me and it was fun talking with them. On Friday Jeff and I went to the Ia2000 convention for a few hours in the morning then went back to our hotel and rented Jet Ski's and went Jet skiing a couple hours that day. I had so much fun Jet Skiing in the ocean! We went back up to our hotel room in the Wyndham Beach Resort, ordered room service then took a nap. We meet Gabriel and her husband later that evening and went out. The party at the Shadow lounge was so boring and there were more men then women. We ended up leaving after 45 minutes of DJ shit talk advertisement and went to find a club on south beach. For all you folks that want to vacation there, it isn't worth it. South beach is only good on TV if you ask me. It's ran down because of the humidity and hurricane weather. There are a few good clubs but they aren't all that great and I would much rather be back here in Vegas. The food on south beach is way over priced and isn't worth a dime in taste. I could see if I was a young teeny booper and was partying but for us who have a bit more money I'd rather take a trip to a better place. All in all, Vegas is a lot better place if you want to party in a nice clean facility.:) I was scared I'd find a roach or something in my food down there. I'm not usually picky but I wasn't impressed with Miami at all. Saturday we ordered room service for breakfast then went to Ia2000 and talked with a bunch of people we knew. We hung out with Gabriel and her husband most of the time and got a few pictures with them. Gabriel and I went swimming in the pool at our hotel then got ready to go back to the Radisson Hotel where the Ia2000 event was actually being held. Saturday evening, we went to the Ia2000 pool party where we ate some interesting food and drank some rum drinks (which were very good). HBO and Playboy were their filming the event which most events look better on TV then actually being there so it will probably be better on TV.:) Sunday we called the airlines and got an early flight home so we wouldn't have to stay an extra day. I decided while I was away to quit training with my trainer till I get my Taxes paid up. I can't afford it right now so I'll have to train on my own. Jeff is going to help spot me so I won't have a problem with lifting, if I need it. I need the flexibility of training at different times anyway right now since I'm in school and am rushed all the time. Today I sleep in a bit then got up, took a shower, went and checked my p.o. box, got a wax job at the salon, stoped by my new home (they almost have all the flooring down!), then went to the gym and worked out. After I got home I worked on a couple things then went to class at 7pm. I returned home a little after ten pm then we back to the gym and did an hour of cardio. I have these great fantasies that I dream about and think about when I'm in that kind of mood and I will start sharing them with you. I have been asked about fantasies so much through e-mail that I thought you guys and gals might like to know what I think about so I don't have to respond to all of those e-mails. They have never happened but my mind likes to think so.:) Click here for my fantasies. There is only one so far

Tuesday September 28, 1999 - I got up at 9am then took a shower and laid around till the cleaning ladies got here to clean the house. I went up and got a massage again before we leave for Miami late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. I couldn't wake up so I sleep till I had to go meet my trainer in the afternoon. After my trainer I had an appointment at the Longevity Institute to see about my blood work and so forth. The blood work results showed I have a low thyroid and that is probably what is making me feel so tired all the time. They gave me some natural supplements to help boost my energy and give my thyroid a kick start. I went to Diana's house and she gave me a bunch of outfits to wear while I'm in Miami. I think I have a different outfit for ever hour that I'm there if I want to change that often. Wow, that women has some awesome outfits. Too bad I couldn't lose the weight before now or I'd look a bit more awesome in those clothes. There is a party called "pimp and Ho" and I guess I'll be going as a very classy Ho.:)

Monday September 27, 1999 - I got up at 8am, ate cream of wheat with egg whites, answered E-mail, took a shower and am now updating. All that ice cream last night made me feel yucky today. One of my female members sent this joke to me "thanks girl pearl"..

Sunday September 26, 1999 - I will go through a review of the past three days instead of listing them one by one. Friday Jeff and I went to the Soldier of Fortune convention. There were some Waco's there! Gees, some of the guys were dressed in military uniforms walking around looking at all the missile launchers and so forth. Reminds me of those guys who go out and mo down a bunch of people with a gun. Kind of spooky if you ask me. We came home after that and I cleaned up a bit then took a nap before my show, went out to some clubs with Julie her husband and Diana. We picked up Diana then went to "Rum Jungle" in Mandalay Bay first. We then went to "The Beach" and our last hop was "bebe's" in the Hard Rock Hotel. We ended up staying there, Julie had to open the store at 11am so she had to leave. That club was so full of people we could hardly dance at first. About 2am it cleared out some and we danced on the top level of the steps for a couple hours. We ended up getting home about 4:30am on Saturday. I went to bed at 5am then tried getting up at 9am but I couldn't. I called Julie and canceled out lunch date so I could sleep some more. I think I finally got up about 1pm, took a shower, then headed to the gym to do an hour of cardio. We ate lunch then came home and I finally ordered a scanner that I have been needing, from price watch. I got a good one that scans negatives and transparencies. It's a Scanmaker 5 Flatbed Dual w/edit 1000x2000 dpi, 36 bit. I should be receiving the scanner on Monday or Tuesday. I should be able to put all old pictures that I have taken up on the site now. I will scan the rest of the bodybuilding comp picks also. I did my show from 5pm-6pm then watched a movie I had rented. I went to bed about 9pm and didn't get back up the rest of the night. Today I got up at 8am and laid around the house until 9:30am. I made myself get up and take a shower so I could wake up. Showers always help. The shower didn't help. I laid around on the couch till about 1pm. Jeff finally told me to get up and help him out on cleaning the house. I did the kitchen while he helped in the living room. We headed to the gym at 2:30pm and did an hour of cardio. I did my show from 5-6pm then after I got done I ate a half pint of ice cream! I need to get with the program! Jeff and I took a walk to help me get those extra calories off and argued the whole way to the park and back. Bye the time we got back home we were not talking to each other anymore. AHHH! You men make me fucking nuts. I think all that male hormone is making me clash with the rest of the male species. I just can't seem to be caring enough for him lately. I do try. I can't wait till we move into our new house and start new. This small apartment makes me feel like I'm in a tiny cage. 

Thursday September 23, 1999 - I woke up at 8am took my shower, ate, answered E-mail then went to Sears to look at Refrigerators for our new house.